That planner is all well and good when things are going well. It provides motivation where none really exists—I don’t get any real satisfaction in accomplishing the goals, after all. But then it’s become a routine, and the routine gets me out of bed which makes it more likely that I’ll shower, change, eat, and so forth.
Turns out that when the shit hits the fan and the routine gets disrupted it’s exponentially more difficult to put it back together. That’s been this week. I had homework from counseling two Wednesdays ago. Didn’t get it done because of all the swirling family drama. Left my appointment this past Wednesday with full intention of working on it but now just can’t seem to make myself care.
On that score I don’t care about much of anything at the moment. I went shopping Wednesday. Got much needed clothes and a few assorted nerd knick knacks. Spending money is tons of fun! But I know I should probably avoid doing it because the thrill is short lived, costly to replicate, and once the purchased items are at home I don’t care about them—as has been the case with what I bought Wednesday: I got home, put my bags down, and proceeded to ignore them through today because I haven’t given a shit about much of anything. That I’m even writing this is a minor miracle; I don’t want to examine how I’m doing. I don’t care how I’m doing. I’m not sure how badly I want to get back the routine I’d made.
I feel like a fool even writing this. All I want to do is crawl into a ball not unlike how I’ve spent the last two days. Just on my bed, lost in a book or TV show. Trying my best not to think.
But what else should I do?
Next week’s planner: